Part Trace

I'd love to say that during the summer between my sophomore and junior year I had a complete change of heart and God spoke to me and my mind was completely changed about school. I'd be a liar if that's what I wrote. I couldn't stand the thought of going back. It was the last place I wanted to be. I wanted to stay home. I loved my family. I loved my girlfriend. I wanted to be closer to both. It didn't happen that way. Back I went. My grades suffered big time that year. My heart wasn't in it and it definitely showed. This was supposed to be my breakout year in baseball and I completely blew it. I hardly trained. I didn't feel like I was part of the team. On top of all that, I was having arm problems. Actually, elbow problems to be exact. If you know even the tiniest about baseball, you know this is a huge issue. Especially being a pitcher, this presented some serious problems. I took it light during the fall, and over the winter I completely shut it down. During spring training in Florida that year I was back on the mound as a closer so as to not have alot of innings, but get my feeling back. Despite the fact that I was hitting 90 on the gun, I blew two saves while we were in Florida. Not a good start. I didn't get much better after that. I remember my junior season with this one word: Lousy. Not to mention my grades which had plummeted to the point that during my senior year I was not eligible to play. My life was starting to come apart. It started slowly, but as time went on, it started to unravel faster and faster. Many nights I would find myself in the parking lot of the local elementary school staring out over the Hudson River watching the cars go across the Tappanzee Bridge wondering what I was going to do next. I don't remember any other point in my life that I'd felt that alone. During the summer between my junior and senior year is when I started drinking again. Nothing over the top, but it was the first time in years that I was drinking "socially". I kind of laugh at that term, but that's what it was. My senior year started off with a bang. I barely made it to registration because I slept through my alarm due to the fact that we were out until about 3 the night before. I promised in my head that I wouldn't put myself through that again. That lasted about 4 days. I continued this cycle for quite a while. I got a job at PacSun at the local mall and loved it. I could get these awesome clothes, I could go out on the weekends, and I basically thought I had no responsibility. School was the last thing on my mind at that point. I'll never forget the night. It was November 19, 2005 when everything came down around me. I was alone in my room. It was pitch black. From Yesterday by 30 Seconds to Mars was playing on my computer and I reached for my phone. Enough was enough. My life was in shambles. I had no money. My grades were getting lower by the day. I wasn't going to class. I hated where I was. I hated who I was. I could hardly handle dialing my cell phone, but somehow I managed to dial my sister's number. I needed to come home. I couldn't handle it anymore. I'd been this way for a while now I couldn't explain it all too well, but I needed out of there. She talked to me for a little while and told me to call my brother. I called him and I remember him listening to me talk and he asked me if I'd called Jen. I was afraid to. I wasn't afraid of her, or her reaction, but I was afraid that I'd let her down. I remember my stomach being in knots and I was shaking. I dialed her number. It only rang twice, and then, "Hello.....?"