I don't believe in coincidence

I got an e-mail tonight that came at the most ridiculous time. The topic was trust. I think we, or at least I, tend to overlook the verse found in Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." It goes on to say "in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Back to the first part of that verse. Not only do I overlook that verse, but I think I overlooked a HUGE part of that verse. It's a simple word really, but the meaning of it is so big. The word "all". It doesn't say part. It doesn't say most of. It says, ALL of it. You know how hard that is? I can't trust that my car is going to start every morning, but I don't walk out at 7:45 a.m. and say "Alright car, I'm going to knock your grill out if you don't start." No. I walk out to it, get in it, and start it. Simple as that. I don't question it. Just like I don't question the ground I walk on. Even better yet. I don't question the air I breathe, but I know it's there. So why do we find it so hard to trust God? Easy. We place our trust in people, and they fail us. Therefore we put that same type of faith in God. We're scared because we've been failed so many times. So how do you get past that? Not as easy as figuring out why we don't trust in the first place, that's for sure. I think for me, I had to stop looking at what the world thought. Believe it or not, I think these two things are related for me. I get so caught up in what the world thinks and what the world wants me to do, that I start placing my trust in others to lead me to do what's right. Meanwhile, I shut out that voice in the back of my head saying "I'll still be here when you decide to hear me out." Easier said than done right? Seriously, I know. I still pray every day for God to help me trust. For Him to help me see things that I normally wouldn't see in order to help me realize He has a handle on everything in my life. I struggle. I mess up. I'm the doubter who questions God's move in my life because I don't think it fits. I forget sometimes that He's perfect, and I'm not even close. My prayer today is first and foremost, forgiveness. That God forgives me for my shortcomings. And within that, God forgives me for not completely trusting Him. I know I can trust Him, I just lose sight of that sometimes.

At last....for now

So, if you haven't read up to this point, you may want to go back and read parts 1-5 of my story. It's really just the past 2 years of my life. It feels like it's been forever some days, and other days I can't believe so much has happened in that amount of time. Hopefully this will complete my story and catch everyone up. Here goes...

So, I give this guy Scott a call. He says the position is still open. O.k, check mark for door number one being open. Let's see if God opens the next one. I go in for my interview. It goes well. We discuss the policies for church and decide I need to change some things in my life but otherwise things go really really well. Check mark for the second door. It looks like things are going to move forward. I was really really excited. Scott was awesome. He was really open and easy to talk to which is something I love in someone who is a supervisor/manager. Someone I could see myself having a working relationship with, but if something happened in my life I could go to them with. The other guys that I'd be working with seemed really cool too. I had a really really good feeling about this. During this time, my brother was preparing to leave for Jordan, and my cousin was preparing to move to Virginia to go to medical school so I was really struggling with losing two of my closest guy friends at home. We didn't get to hang out as much as I would have liked, but I loved those guys, and I was having a really hard time thinking about my near future without them. So, here I am, ready to start at this new job, with lots of guys who seemed as though they would be great accountability partners. I couldn't believe how God was fitting these pieces together like this. A job close to home. A job at my home church. Guys to be accountability parters/encouragers with. Involvement at church. So many things were coming together. I felt like my eyes were finally opened to what God wanted for me. I was trying so hard to listen to what He wanted for me and my life. It's tough sometimes, and I don't always get it right, but He's not given up on me once. I feel like that was the major recurring statement He wanted me to hear. "I refuse to leave you. I refuse to let you mess up the plan I have for your life." I'd love to say it's been nothing but ups since I started on this new journey 2 years ago, but it hasn't. I continue to be tested. I continue to fail on my own. But I continue to strive for God's plan for my life. I continue to love everyday I am where I am. God has blessed my life in so many ways. I have so many new friends, so many new loves, and so many renewed loves. He's brought so much joy in to my life through His love for me. I do have a God that loves me and fights for me, even when I'm weak. Thank you to all who have been there for me and have continued to support my walk. You all have touched my life in certain ways and I hope through this story you realize that part you had in God's plan for me. I love you all.

Things start taking a turn...

I'm thinking at this point I need a job. I've got no money, so of course I need a job. I was at a total loss as to what to do though. UPS payed well and sounded good....if by "sounding good" I mean I get to wake up at 3 a.m. and load trucks all day. No thanks. Postal worker? Too many tests and the waiting line to get that job is out the door. I'm seeing a trend here. I like delivering mail. I visited a guy I'd worked with the summer before to see the addition he was putting on his house and as he opened up his door, his eyes lit up. He explained that he had wanted to get a hold of me and asked me how I'd like a $40,000 a year job. Seriously? If job searches only lasted a week and ended like this, forget college. Who needed it? God had completely placed this one in my lap. Now, let me back up a couple days. I'd been at church earlier in the week and had met this guy named Scott who was the facilities supervisor at Fellowship Alliance Chapel. A women introduced us and said there was an opening on facilities. I thought it sounded cool and he told me to give him a call later in the week and he'd set up an interview. So, here I am standing here at this guy's door and FAC Facilities is the last thing on my mind at that point. It's funny how money will attract you and blind you to things. I gladly accepted his offer and after two interviews down in southern New Jersey, I had a job at an architecture/building firm. It was awesome. I got to go from job to job and oversee how the project was going. I did some manual labor which was totally to be expected of the new guy. I ran errands to Home Depot and Lowe's. Etc. Etc. Etc. My favorite part was contacting our builders and suppliers and talking to them. I loved working with people. My first two weeks went great. Then I got my first paycheck. I thought there had been a mistake. I was making about a quarter of what I thought I was supposed to make. In the next couple days, things started coming together to paint me a very clear picture that I was not supposed to be at this company. Finally, my last day there, my friend and I were sitting in the truck at a job and he looked at me and started apologizing. He said he didn't know it was going to be this way and if I wanted to leave he totally understood. He wasn't in charge of this company so he had made an offer that the owner of the company didn't know about. I can't put the blame on anyone but myself. I heard the dollar amount and I was sold without really listening to the rest. So, here I am, down near Cape May sitting in the pickup truck, calling Scott at FAC. Unbelievable.

It gets better

So, here I am. I'm trying to explain the past 4 months to Jen and how I can't be where I am anymore because I "feel like I shouldn't be here." You can imagine her confusion. I admit even now, it sounds crazy. I was going to leave Nyack after 4 years. I was one semester away from finishing. All of this, based on a feeling. I can honestly sit here and say I did the right thing. I don't for a second doubt that. I regret not leaving sooner. This whole process could have been easier, and avoidable. However, here I was. My life was a total train wreck, but I finally felt like I had something solid to hold on to. It was an extremely hard process trying to explain to my friends at school what was going to happen. Trying to explain to Jen and my family that I was going to continue school at home. Talking through things with my parents. It was hard, but again, I had this feeling inside of me that it was going to be o.k. This was to be tested in the next two weeks. 11 days after that night, in late November, I was at work in the mall and I was feeling really lightheaded. My heartrate was crazy and for some odd reason I felt like it was skipping a beat. I asked to leave work early, had one of my friends come pick me up, and I went back to our room at school. I had been sick earlier on in the day, but it was nothing serious. I tend to take vomiting in stride. However, I really started feeling sick at this point. I did the only logical thing I could think of. I layed down....to no avail. My heartrate was really starting to make me nervous. I felt like I was running flights of stairs and all I was doing was laying on the couch. I called our school trainer who'd helped me during my 3 years of baseball there at school. She told me to come to her office. She layed me on the table and listened to my breathing and heartbeat. She seemed very calm when she said I needed to go to the hospital and quickly. There was definitely something there, but she wasn't a doctor so she couldn't be sure. Off to the hospital. They swabbed the back of my brain (not literally, but it felt like it) with one of those long q-tips to make sure I didn't have the flu. Seriously? The flu? I think they were just checking me to see if I was serious about feeling sick. There's no other excuse for the pain I endured while they checked both nasal cavities. Nope. All clear there. They took me in and layed me in a bed. I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom which was a serious issue. At this point, they didn't know I had salmonella, but I wish they had. It would have explained why that bed was such an uncool place to be for more than 7 minutes. Like I said, I had salmonella poisoning which took them 3 days to figure out. Most excruciating 3 days ever. My heart was skipping a beat, but it was due to exhaustion and fighting the sickness. My heart still does it to this day if I'm really really exhausted, but otherwise I seem to be good. J, you can tell me if that's an issue. So, now I'm definitely done school in New York. My parents came and got me and brought me home. I spent the next couple weeks getting back on my feet and searching for jobs. God had a plan for me, this I was sure. I hadn't quite honed my listening skills yet and it showed immediately.

Part Trace

I'd love to say that during the summer between my sophomore and junior year I had a complete change of heart and God spoke to me and my mind was completely changed about school. I'd be a liar if that's what I wrote. I couldn't stand the thought of going back. It was the last place I wanted to be. I wanted to stay home. I loved my family. I loved my girlfriend. I wanted to be closer to both. It didn't happen that way. Back I went. My grades suffered big time that year. My heart wasn't in it and it definitely showed. This was supposed to be my breakout year in baseball and I completely blew it. I hardly trained. I didn't feel like I was part of the team. On top of all that, I was having arm problems. Actually, elbow problems to be exact. If you know even the tiniest about baseball, you know this is a huge issue. Especially being a pitcher, this presented some serious problems. I took it light during the fall, and over the winter I completely shut it down. During spring training in Florida that year I was back on the mound as a closer so as to not have alot of innings, but get my feeling back. Despite the fact that I was hitting 90 on the gun, I blew two saves while we were in Florida. Not a good start. I didn't get much better after that. I remember my junior season with this one word: Lousy. Not to mention my grades which had plummeted to the point that during my senior year I was not eligible to play. My life was starting to come apart. It started slowly, but as time went on, it started to unravel faster and faster. Many nights I would find myself in the parking lot of the local elementary school staring out over the Hudson River watching the cars go across the Tappanzee Bridge wondering what I was going to do next. I don't remember any other point in my life that I'd felt that alone. During the summer between my junior and senior year is when I started drinking again. Nothing over the top, but it was the first time in years that I was drinking "socially". I kind of laugh at that term, but that's what it was. My senior year started off with a bang. I barely made it to registration because I slept through my alarm due to the fact that we were out until about 3 the night before. I promised in my head that I wouldn't put myself through that again. That lasted about 4 days. I continued this cycle for quite a while. I got a job at PacSun at the local mall and loved it. I could get these awesome clothes, I could go out on the weekends, and I basically thought I had no responsibility. School was the last thing on my mind at that point. I'll never forget the night. It was November 19, 2005 when everything came down around me. I was alone in my room. It was pitch black. From Yesterday by 30 Seconds to Mars was playing on my computer and I reached for my phone. Enough was enough. My life was in shambles. I had no money. My grades were getting lower by the day. I wasn't going to class. I hated where I was. I hated who I was. I could hardly handle dialing my cell phone, but somehow I managed to dial my sister's number. I needed to come home. I couldn't handle it anymore. I'd been this way for a while now I couldn't explain it all too well, but I needed out of there. She talked to me for a little while and told me to call my brother. I called him and I remember him listening to me talk and he asked me if I'd called Jen. I was afraid to. I wasn't afraid of her, or her reaction, but I was afraid that I'd let her down. I remember my stomach being in knots and I was shaking. I dialed her number. It only rang twice, and then, "Hello.....?"

Lost and Found

I like finding old stuff that I've written. It helps me remember my thought process through some things. It helps me remember that even though things were hard, I still trusted.


I didn't plan for things to happen this way
but unfolding, each day took me further from you
I could see your eyes and even from a distance
the sadness was more than I could hope to bear
and even when your father had to look away from you
with the whole world raining down on top of you
I chose silence
a downward stare in the face of adversity
But through it all your love reigned supreme
and in three words you wrapped me in eternity
Despite my failures, I continue to find victory
in ways that I can't even begin to understand
I leave who I was behind, and looking forward I know this:
It is finished.


It's short, but I think I was hoping to move on from what I'll talk about in my third posting tomorrow. I leave you with the words of Amazing Grace: I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind, but now, I see.

Part Deux (as Jenn calls it)

I was devastated. I'd lost a lot of acquaintances up to that point in my life, and both my grandfathers, but this was different. It shook me in a way that only people who've lost a good friend can explain. What I didn't know was how much more I'd experience this in my near future. Life resumed, and I carried on. I took some time off from the youth worship team to get my head straight and my life back together. I played baseball and went 4-1 with an era under 2.00. Great stuff. I was slated to go to Nyack College which was a small division 2 college just a short distance outside of NYC. I was offered a scholarship and I really thought college was a good choice. So did everyone else. So much so that I never really entertained the thought of community college (funny, since that's where I'm at now). Right around this time a new face arrived on the scene in the form of a tall blonde with blue eyes. I was immediately enthralled. I'm a sucker for blue eyes. Her name was Jen and all I could think about was being her friend....or more. Problem was she was in a relationship with someone else. God had some other plans though because a short while after meeting her, we were dating. Man, I couldn't believe my luck. I will take a short second to explain that I no longer believe in luck, but God's certain unalterable planning. So, I'm headed off to college in New York, playing baseball and Jen's headed to Mary Washington College in beautiful Fredericksburg, Virginia to play soccer. We spent hours on the phone every night for those first few weeks. It was 54 days from the time we left in August until I got to see her again in October. Man, I was pumped. This was make or break time for us. We were going to see if we could have this great relationship over the phone...face to face. It was an awesome weekend and we were both hooked. At least I was. You'd have to ask her. She stuck around though so I'm thinking it was mutual. I liked the feelings I was getting from this relationship so much that I decided I'd rather pursue that relationship and my social life at school rather than play baseball. I made the decision confidently but soon was not so sure I'd made the right one. However, I stuck it out for my freshman year and went home for the summer. Jen and I had a great summer and before we knew it, it was back to school. During a visit to MWC during our sophomore year we were talking about baseball and Jen noted that I talked about baseball alot with her and she questioned my motives for leaving the team. I faltered in my answer, and realized right at that moment she was right. I'd made the wrong move. I called my father late that night and told him I was going to play again. Game on. Sophomore year was pretty rough for me though because baseball meant less time at home, less time with family, and less time with Jen. This is really when I started questioning being at school. I didn't like it there. There was something wrong but I couldn't place it. I talked with my sister about it and she encouraged me to continue to pray about it and talk to my parents. I should have followed her advice.

2 a.m. revelations

This is tearing me up inside and it can't make it to paper
and with all these one liners, eventually I'll fill an entire sheet
but for now I guess I'll have to settle for 2 a.m. revelations
thinking if I had one more second today I'd have spent it on you
There it is, four lines in, and I feel like I've got nothing else
no more words to work with, just the silence of memories
and the depth of your eyes, the longing in your last embrace
because somewhere, you wonder if maybe it will be our last
You wonder if maybe this will be the last you hear my voice
and you think "If I have one more second today, it'll be with you"
So that's what makes us, us, that wanting one more second
The first and last thought of everyday somehow revolves around you
and filling the gaps in between is the thought of your smile
We may not be perfect, and what we have may not be perfect
but beautiful doesn't have to be perfect and what we have is beautiful
The only perfect thing we have is the One who keeps us together
the One who brought everything together to this specific moment
this moment when it comes to an end and you look up at me
and I say...
I love you



Funny what spending 5 years apart from the girl you love will do you to. Those 5 years seem such a distant memory until I run across stuff like this and all those feelings come rushing back. I told Jen last week I think it's good to remember where you've been because it helps you remember all the things God's done. It's easier to look back on that stuff and see it as opposed to being mired directly in it and trying to figure out what He's doing. He's done so much for us and I am so thankful for each new day.

As of late...

A verse that I've really taken a liking to lately is Isaiah 58:8. Granted the version I have on a painting in my room is a little different than the actual verse, but I like it. It says "Then your light shall break forth like the morning. And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard." I don't know what you picture when you think of that, but I see a God who goes before me and fights my battles and brings up the rear to protect me. What more could I ask for? For those of you who are reading my story, hang in there, it's pretty long. God has blessed me beyond belief though and I have to thank Him every single day. Despite everything I've done. All the times I've turned my back. All the times I tried on my own. He still uses me. I think, if all I ever get is one person to receive Christ by my example of His love, then I consider my life worth it.

Part 2 tomorrow

Can it be called Reminiscent?

I ask this because I don't think looking back to 2 years ago is all too reminiscent. I want everyone who reads this to understand who I was then, and who I am now. I feel like this will take more than one entry to help you gain a better view of what God has done, and continues to do. My story begins in 2000. I was a junior in high school heading in to my senior year and since summer school was all the rage, I decided to give it a shot. Like all bad relationships, I couldn't get enough of algebra, so we continued our courtship in to the month of July. One afternoon I gave a ride home to a friend of mine and while dropping him off he invited me to a party at his house later that night. O.k, so as harmless as this sounds, this is where my life took a turn. I look at it now and realize that spark started a fire that smoldered for 6 years until it ripped my life apart my senior year of college. I told him I would be there later (though I had no intention of being there) and he told me to hang on a minute. He came out moments later with 2 beers in his hand. He gave them to me saying "Just in case you don't make it back." I said thanks, and was on my way. I'd never drank before in life, and here I was at 18 years old, and I had not just one, but two beers in my possession. It was exhilarating. Breaking the law will do that to a young guy. I wasn't a bad kid. In fact, I was on the high school worship team, I was heading in to my senior year as a starter on the varsity baseball team, and I was very very active in my youth group. For a moment though, I lost sight of what was good for me. I don't blame this on anyone but myself. I made that decision to take those bottles. So, I took them home and cracked the first one. Seriously, I don't know who reads this, but the first time you have a beer....it's awful. Especially when you have no idea what to expect. You know what's crazy? I have no idea where the cap to that Corona went. I later that day realized I'd left it in the sink, but I'm guessing it went down the drain because no one ever found it. I couldn't stand the thought of drinking another one, so I brought it to my other friend's house down the street and gave it to him and he split it with yet a third friend of ours. It's amazing how fast sin travels. It was a while after that that I even had my second drink of alcohol. I started buying from a friend of mine in high school. This is where things started getting tough. Working at church, paying for liquor, worship team, baseball, church, youth group, friends, American Legion baseball, the list goes on. I was working hard to hold things together. Again, no one could have had any idea what was going on. From the outside, I was perfect. Yeah, my grades weren't all that great, but I attributed that to not liking school. Otherwise, I was it. I have this memory that will be with me for the rest of my life. I was leaving school one day, and it's almost like it was planned. It was just me walking out of school (I was leaving early), and right by the gym, my friend who's older brother got us alcohol was standing there with his back to the wall with one leg propped up. He started laughing because he knew I was skipping out early and as I got closer I asked when his brother would next be home. He said that weekend. I asked what he would have, got what I wanted, and turned to walk away. As I looked back to tell him I'd see him tomorrow, he had resumed his post on the wall. "See you tomorrow man. I'll have your money then." I think the reason this memory is burned in to my mind so vividly is because this was the last time I ever saw him. Those were my last words to him. He died later that afternoon in a one car accident. My lasting impact on him was nothing more than a business relationship. I promised myself it would be a long long time before I ever drank again. I couldn't bear the thought of him standing there while I walked out of school, to live another day. It was a long time before I drank again. It wasn't long enough though.

Humility

So this past week I got the honor of doing our bible study for the guys at work. Monday's are always our day to sit down, pray, talk about the week, have some good laughs, and do other guy stuff (whatever that means, you decide). Anyway, this week our study was on humility. In doing some research, I came across the story of David. Now, if you have seen the movie 300, this is what I picture David as being. The war parts, not the "other" parts. Although, Bathsheba might say differently. Seriously, I'll try to stay on track here. His story is well known. He fought Goliath as a young boy. He was the leader of Saul's army. He became King. So on so forth. The guy was a man's man. Enter...Humility. 2 Samuel 7:18 is the beginning of David's prayer to God. He begins by saying, "Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?" Who am I? That question keeps ringing in my head. I heard a sermon a long time ago that has stuck with me. It had to have been more than 10 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday. The sermon was title "Who do you think you are?" Plain and simple. Bottom line was this: We blame God for all of these bad things that happen, yet it was our sin that caused all of this. Who do we think we are to blame God? So, back to David. There he is, King of Israel, on top of everything, and he's basically saying "I'm nothing." He didn't feel worthy of being brought so far by God. You have to understand, each time he went in to battle he asked God what he should do. Again, humility. Instead of relying on his own abilities, his own knowledge, he chose to acknowledge that God knew all. God would direct his path. Each time, he was the victor in the end. God did not fail him. How many times do we go to God before we step in to something? You might say, "Well, he was going in to war. Of course he was praying." Are you seriously going to use that excuse? Every day is war. At least in my life. There are so many things during the day that could go wrong. Add kids, a mortgage, and more bills, and I can see how people think that giving up is the easy thing to do. We find it so hard to humble ourselves to the point of saying "I can't do this on my own." We want to fight that. It's not in our nature to admit we can't do something. Yet, in one way or another, He helps us realize that we're not capable without his help. Sometimes a little more forcefully than others. Ask me about my story sometime and I'll share with you a "God, hands on style" story. Bottom line is this. David was God's servant. He killed other men in battle. He led an army to victory time and time again. He killed Goliath. Yet here he was, saying he was not worthy to have been brought so far. How worthy am I? How worthy are you? In all honesty? Not at all. Yet He loves us. I'll end by saying two things. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." A lot of people think that verse is played out. I don't. I like it. Don't knock it. And, to follow up that verse, that "Him" that is being talked about is the man who humbled himself to come to this earth to die for me. You want to talk about the ultimate as far as humility and sacrifice? Jesus Christ was and is my living savior. David knew that. We shouldn't forget it.

1 Samuel 15 is a good place to start reading the story of David as well as all of 2 Samuel.